“The Air Force says airmen will now be allowed to omit the
words ‘so help me God’ from its enlistment oath – marking a change in policy
that is being affirmed by both atheist and religious liberty groups.
The decision comes after an airman at Creech Air Force Base
in Nevada struck out the words on
his Department of Defense reenlistment paperwork and ran up against a policy
that prohibits omissions.
The case went up to the Department of Defense General Counsel,
which issued an opinion Wednesday saying the language could be left out if the
airman preferred.
‘We take any instance in which Airmen report concerns
regarding religious freedom seriously,’ Secretary of the Air Force Deborah Lee
James said in a statement. ‘We are making the appropriate adjustments to ensure
our Airmen's rights are protected.’”
This lead is clear and gets to the point in the very first sentence.
It explains what the change is and who is supporting it. Just as in the inverted
pyramid method, the facts slowly get more detailed as the lead progresses. The
5 W’s are all included early on. The structure also makes the different facts
of the case appear seamless without transitions or extra words.
“Richard III was the last
English king to lose his life on the battlefield. Scientists who have been
testing his remains -- found under a parking lot in the English city of Leicester
-- now believe they know how he died.
The 15th-century king was best known to modern Britons as
the hunchbacked Shakespearean villain accused of murdering his nephews, the
"Princes in the Tower," to usurp the throne.
His life has always been a controversial chapter in English
lore. Although he ruled for only two years (1483-85) and died at the age of 32,
there has been an ongoing debate over Richard III's
portrayal in both English history and English literature.”
This lead is good because it is engaging and informative. It
catches the reader by offering up a fun fact and a bit of irony. It also gives
a brief but adequate overview of who he was. The sentences are in different
paragraphs, but they are not long-winded or filled with unnecessary
information. The rest of the article from here goes into further detail about
who he was and how the remains were discovered. The information was enough for
me, who knew nothing of Richard III, to understand
why he is important.
Bad Lead:
“Teams of firefighters went house-to-house on Wednesday to
pin down damage done by a wildfire that officials estimated had destroyed 110
homes and damaged another 90 in the small town of Weed while another Northern
California blaze east of Sacramento was threatening more than 2,000 homes as it
burned out of control, officials said.
The new figures from Weed brought a marked increase from the
initial estimate that a total of 150 structures had been destroyed or damaged
in the blaze that began Monday and rapidly swept across the town. Four
firefighters lost their homes.
In the fire east of Sacramento,
a total of 2,500 firefighters were now taking on the blaze that was threatening
2,003 homes and another 1,505 smaller structures, the California Department of
Forestry and Fire Protection said.”
This lead is too long, especially the first sentence. It has
many details, but the value of them is lost in the wordiness. The structure
also throws the reader off, because the first three sentences are all broken up
into different paragraphs, when they could easily be made into one. There are
also instances where official’s statements were redundant, and unnecessary information
was thrown into the mix.
Corrected Version:
Teams of firefighters went house-to-house on Wednesday to
pin down damage done by a large wildfire in Northern California.
Officials estimated had destroyed 110 homes and damaged another 90 in the small
town of Weed. Another blaze east of
Sacramento was threatening more
than 2,000 homes as it burned out of control, officials said.
The new figures from Weed brought a noticeable increase from
the initial estimate that a total of 150 structures had been destroyed or
damaged in the blaze that began Monday and quickly spread. In the fire east of
Sacramento, a total of 2,500 firefighters were now taking on the blaze that was
threatening 2,003 homes and another 1,505 smaller structures, the California
Department of Forestry and Fire Protection said.
No comments:
Post a Comment