Jaclyn Merica
Professor Gordemer
Writing for Communication
September 18, 2014
Good:
Chris Tillman threw eight strong innings and the AL East-leading Baltimore Orioles won their third in a row, beating the Chicago White Sox 5-1 Tuesday night.
- The lead is very clean and concise. It presents the information straight away, while the sentence flows. Although the content does not capture my attention fully because I do not follow baseball, a reader interested in the game receives the important information immediately, and then is prompted to read further to learn more.
Former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger used a short speech at the State Department on Wednesday to joke about the prospect of Hillary Clinton running for President in 2016.
- The lead follows AP style in that it presents the most important information first. It captures the reader's attention because it involves two high profile politicians and their disagreements. It clearly introduces the key figures in the story and what is happening. The structure of the sentence is not confusing to the reader.
Bad:
After the September 11, 2001, terrorist attacks on the United States, a majority of Americans were worried about terrorism directly impacting their lives, according to a number of polls.
After the September 11, 2001, terrorist attacks on the United States, a majority of Americans were worried about terrorism directly impacting their lives, according to a number of polls.
Revised: Polls suggest a majority of Americans are worried about terrorism impacting their lives since the September 11 attacks.
Initially, the sentence begins with a dependent clause. Overall, the sentence is too wordy and difficult to read. It is unnecessary to make a distinction about what September 11, 2001 is, because everyone knows what that date stands for. The added information at the end of the sentence makes the sentence less fluid than it already was. It doesn't capture the reader's attention as much as it could have with some simple rewording.
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